Confusion and Dejection Abound (Proceed With Caution)

So, I'm going to get around to breaking the news to all you people out there, but I didn't want to go and whine about this right away. These kinds of things deserve reflection and such. The bad news: I got rejected by McGill!

Of course, I was pretty damn shaken by this. I had had my heart set on doing graduate school work there in the fall, and thought I had a shot. Sure my grads weren't in the very highest percentile (they are still solid A/A- marks, except those pesky marks from back in Commerce that are dragging me down, but doesn't my consistant three-year trend into higher and higher grades mean anything?), but I thought I had a good package to offer them, including good references, a solid proposal for a graduate thesis, and of course, enthusiasm for the subject. I suppose that doesn't translate well in paper. I really don't know right now. My enthusiasm levels for graduate work anywhere have suddenly taken a huge plummet.

That's not to say graduate work is out of the question. Victoria got back to me and basically told me they now need my final grades for this year. So that's a possibility. I talked briefly with Cooley this morning, and he put in perspective that when you get your heart set on a couple options and they don't work out, sometimes it feels like you're being rejected by all of academia (bringing to mind my bitter mood last night when I chatted with some), but this isn't the case. It might just be that those places are really, really popular (which McGill is; over 200 applications a year for GS). Still, if they really wanted me, wouldn't they have picked me? Grrrr.

Oh, and McGill sent this rejection in an email. Classy. I would still like a letter to confirm this decision.

Anyway, the weirdly coincedental thing and the thing that has got me confused right now is that almost immediately after the McGill email was read, I got a call from the Vancouver Film School and the Admissions Advisor there wanted to talk to me about going their in the fall. I was a little bit surprised at first. I mean, I had handed in an application last spring, but I never really thought they took it seriously. He said that I had a good resume (being a university graduate with an honours degree doesn't hurt), and that he encouraged me to think about what I'm going to do now. Of course, he's a advisor for VFS, so he wants me to go their, but nonetheless, it got me thinking. He asked me if film was still where I wanted to be. And I said yes. And he said, ok, then you have to make the decision to either do it or not.

So, the question is: Do I want to be a filmmaker? Or do I want to be an academic? It's a hard question. The academic life looks nice. It's comfortable. It's familiar (remember, my dad is a prof, so it's a job I have a first hand look at). But film is still my passion. I still want to make movies. I get excited at the opportunity to have my projects come to life in a more professional environment. In a place where I don't have to worry about figuring out technical things, because it's being taught to me. That's the appeal of film school. On the other hand, my apprehension at film school is being enslaved to the studio system. I gravitate toward the maverick filmmakers (Rodriguez, Lucas) who don't have any limits on them. Those who I've talked to about this know what I mean.

Well, my dad comes home tonight at 11:30, and then we can sit down and have a long talk this weekend. I'm looking forward to the Easter break. A time for reflection on both personal and spiritual goals. Hopefully this year I can actually make it that.